I gave up something yesterday. Something that I love very much. I gave it up in the name of recovery. In the name of rest. I gave up my dancing. This saddened me more than I realized it did. As soon as I sat down to collect myself when I got home last night I started to cry. I couldn’t stop. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
Dancing wasn’t the only thing I ended up crying about. That’s not how it works, yeah? I didn’t like the fact that I was getting weaker with age. More fragile. It takes longer to heal up than it did for me ten years ago. I also shed many tears for my photography job that I had to give up. I really loved that job. I was giddy everyday when I reported for a shoot. Even at 6am.
These things that I gave up brought me a sense of joy that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I was genuinely happy. Nothing could bring me down. I was good to go. Now these things are gone. Naturally, I started asking “Why?” I followed up with, “What am I doing wrong?”
Obviously I was doing something wrong. I must not have been living according to PLAN. That had to be it. Otherwise, why would these things be taken away from me? What am I really meant to do? I was genuinely confused. I guess up to this point I have been reading the wrong signs. Or maybe they were lost in translation. I’m not sure.
This morning I emerged with puffy eyes and remnants of sadness still present. I’m still confused. Conversations with the Most High and clarity sessions are scheduled throughout the week. I don’t believe that these things were taken from me for me to never see again. No. I believe that I will still do these things…just in a different way and/or at a different time.
He DOES have my best interest at heart. Even when no one else – not even myself – does. He’s got my back. This is something that I am grateful for. Grateful and honored.
Everything will be just fine. 🙂
*Image compliments of http://soundcloud.com/ese-payaso/tears-on-my-pillow-new-2012*