She Muses

It’s Not As Easy As I Make It Look

The bus driver that brings me home asks me the same question at least once a week. “Why are you always so happy?” I smile at him and simply tell him that I’m always happy.

This is so not the case. People who are always happy 100% of the time, 24/7 are on some kind of drugs. They need to share.

True, I am happy the majority of the time. I have a ton to be happy and grateful for. There are times, such as now, that I feel a little down. I feel the weight of the world is pushing down on me a little harder than normal. I feel trapped. I feel panic. I feel unworthy. It’s not a good feeling at all, let me tell you.

The main source of my blues of the moment is my lack of employment. Yes folks, I am unemployed. All of this came into the light with the demise of my car. What a nice ripple effect that event created! You see, if I still had a vehicle I would be working today. The spring season has begun in the world of photography. I will not be a part of that. It saddens me deeper than I initially realized.

I have been on the prowl for employment elsewhere. It has been difficult to say the least. Why? Because thousands of others are also seeking the same. Literally thousands! For the same positions that I am applying for! ALL of them!!! With way more education under their belts! I’m going against people with freaking Masters degrees and PhDs! Can you tell that I’m a bit frustrated?

It has been difficult as the days go by to get out of bed. The frustration is taking a very serious toll on my emotional well being. That messes with my confidence. Insert other random negative energy and that makes for a not so good day. Also makes for a not so good message I’m sending out into the Ether. I’m sure that is not helping my cause at all.

Seeking employment has turned into a full time gig for me. During my evening hours I get to unwind a bit. There is one past time that I am determined to keep no matter the cost. That just happens to be my dancing. At the moment, it is the only thing that is keeping me going. Seriously. I am happy when I dance. I am happy when I move. I’d be a fool to give that up!

My hopes are that I will be gainfully employed within this month. I will continue to put myself out there as I have been doing for the past three months. I will continue to have faith in my abilities despite my lack of formal education.

I will try to minimize my down days. That will be a difficult task. Well, if I just let go and let it be, maybe it won’t be so difficult, yeah?

Something to ponder…..

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