She Muses

Past Reflections

It’s funny.
This started off as a Facebook post on my phone. Then I saw how long it was getting, and how many more thoughts were being brought up as I swiped the words. So I decided after over a year of being quiet here to just post it here. I have missed writing here. Believe me, there have been many worthy posts during this quiet time. I am living a good life. I am having many adventures. I am loved. I would love to get back to sharing that with you all. Let’s hope that I have the courage to do so.

I read some of my old journals throughout the years yesterday. Let me just say that journaling is a great habit to take up. It can give you insight into how much you have grown. How much you have improved. How much you have been through. Or not. It’s your life in words. Your words.

Anyway, I was enlightened a bit from this reading.
I found one of many reasons why I gave up photography. Sadly, a man was involved.
I found my attachment style changes; avoidant to anxious and back again.
I found a ton of quirks that I’ve been working on throughout the years; trying to minimize as to not offend.

I read these words and I think, “Was I really this way? Was I really willing to change? Did I really let that affect me?”
Then I think to today and analyze my patterns. I’ve come a long way even though some of the patterns remain the same. That’s to be expected with personality traits, yeah?

In previous years, say 10 plus, I’ve read my journals in disgust. I put down the woman that I was for falling for such antics brought on by the outside world. For acting the way that I did because of these antics. I thought it was conduct unbecoming of a woman with my strength. Brutal, I know.
Now I look for lessons. I look for ways to improve. I accept the woman that I was; anxious in most situations, rude and obnoxious in others, fearful.
I embrace the woman that I am; still anxious in some cases but a constant work in progress, not as rude and obnoxious, still fearful but using it to my advantage.
I try not to be so hard on myself. That is still a bit hard for me, admittedly. Especially when the same patterns present themselves. Again, all of this is a work in progress.

My journal today has a few of these patterns listed there. I am happy to say that I recognize many of them for what they are and handle them accordingly. I do slip up every now and then. I regain my footing though. That’s the important part.

That’s Life! ?